I got married five months ago and it has taken that long to fully recover from eight months of stress and planning. It was a nearly perfect day that I wish I could relive a hundred times, because it truly was magical, but all of my concerns about the day being perfect and the hypothetical disastrous scenarios I made up in my mind… I could have done without those. So, in an attempt to help anyone reading this avoid my neurotic experience, here’s some friendly wedding planning advice: 

Procrastination is the devil and you need to start early. Do your research, book your venue and vendors, ask all of your important people to be involved, send out save the dates (either digitally or in the mail) and try to have an idea of what you want it to look like and the traditions you want to partake in, and then weed out anything you don’t feel is necessary. 

The Stress

What took some of the joy out of planning for me was the anxiety that came along with it. As someone who has mild GAD I usually know how to manage it, just not while I’m engaged to be married, apparently. I found myself avoiding planning related tasks and not being fully present once I got around to them because of my anxiety. I regret that  wasn’t fully present during the planning process or in the days leading up to the wedding. I had a lot of guilt about the money that was spent even though we were frugal, and the work I wasn’t doing myself even though we had a planner. The anticipation was also torturing me and time felt like it was moving incredibly slow. I just wanted the day to arrive and for things to run smoothly but I felt so anxious and overwhelmed at times that I couldn’t stand it. If you can relate to this, think long and hard about whether you really want a full blown wedding party, and know that there’s nothing wrong with small intimate ceremonies with very short guest lists, or getting married in a courthouse, even if you’re religious. This should be an exiting time no matter what. 

The Dress

Shop with whoever you want to shop with, not whoever wants to shop with you. I went with my Mom one time and it was fun, quick, emotional in a good way, and pretty easy. I am not the type of person who wants to be the center of attention for longer than I have to be, and I wanted my dress to be my choice with minimal opinions expressed. I planned a second shopping trip and invited some family and friends, but we ended up finding the dress on the first trip. I really valued my Mom’s opinion didn’t need anyone else’s. So, if you are looking for a laid back experience but feel pressure to invite people even though you really don’t want to, just give yourself permission to shop alone or with a select few.

The Other Dress

Bridesmaid dresses can be fun, and don’t have to be uniform. I really wanted my bridesmaids to wear something they all felt great in and would want to wear again on another occasion, so that’s what we went for. Different styles, different shades within the color scheme, different hair styles, etc. They all looked amazing and I sincerely hope they felt that way.

No Worries 

Don’t worry about stupid things you can’t control, like the weather, someone running late or getting sick and not being able to come. Watch the forecast, have a backup plan if your original plan is to be outdoors, trust that people are taking care of themselves and their responsibilities and if someone can’t make it that’s okay. You have to surrender to what you can’t control. 

Also, don’t have silly superficial regrets like not curling your hair tighter so it would last longer into the night or having too much or too little makeup on. I wanted kind of a messy beach wave look and because I have unbelievably thick hair, it fell a bit and I was kicking myself for it which is so stupid. I decided to do my own hair and makeup, not because I’m good at it but because I have trust issues, and I wanted to look like myself. Any time I have ever had my hair or makeup professionally done I have hated it, so at the very least I wanted to be satisfied with it being good enough. I would strongly encourage hair and makeup trials if you are having a professional do your hair and makeup. If you’re doing your own, do your own trial to make sure you can. 

Pinterest and TLC

Shamelessly watch all the wedding shows and movies you want. Flip through wedding magazines and create a wedding Pinterest board. I think its important to get giddy and a good way to avoid stress is to go into your own personal dreamland. Honestly, most of us watch wedding shows and movies and create hypothetical Pinterest boards before we are even engaged, right?

The Counseling

Premarital counseling is vital before legally binding yourself to someone in my opinion. When done right, it brings up questions and conversation topics that you might not bring up on your own, and even though you know this is the love of your life and are fully confident in your ability to make the relationship work, there is no good reason not to have conversations about important things, and be able to talk about anything with your other half. If you can’t do that, don’t marry someone you aren’t 100% comfortable around, basically. 

The Planner

Find someone who is good at planning and coordinating the day of, especially if you don’t really know what you want or how to make it happen. I wasn’t aiming to impress anyone, I just wanted the venue to be beautiful, minimally decorated in a natural setting with sort of an elegant traditional style, nothing too complicated or too trendy and a timeless vibe, and my planner made it all happen. 

I kind of won the personal connection lottery when it came to the vendors that made my wedding what it was. My husband’s friend owns a restaurant that caters, an old friend of mine is a wedding planner and coordinator and another friend is a photographer. My mom’s cousin bakes the most elaborately beautiful and delicious wedding cakes, my brother’s friend is a videographer. The only vendors we had to seek out were a DJ and a florist. I would suggest using any personal connections you might have and for anything else, just read through company rates and reviews.

So many people told me in advance what the day would be like. Everyone told me it would fly by, I wouldn’t eat, would not remember who was there or get to talk to very many guests, so I made a conscious decision to have the exact opposite experience. I decided to be present, and I was. I took it all in. Don’t miss out on the opportunity to enjoy every second of your wedding day, because it does go by crazy fast. 

Self Care

Take care of yourself leading up to the big day. Get enough sleep, stay hydrated, don’t neglect your skincare routine, get some exercise, maybe even turn off the news and live in blissful ignorance for a few days. I was so blessed to be able to spend the days leading up to the wedding relaxing with my mom at home and the first half of the wedding day hanging out with my friends and cousins at the venue, laughing, listening to music and getting ready. It was both a calm and exciting environment and it was so therapeutic. Be sure to eat enough the day of too, and this should be a given but if you drink alcohol, don’t drink too much.

I had an unexpected emotional moment with my maid of honor and lifelong best friend right before walking down the aisle. I don’t even know where it came from, we both just started tearing up and then suddenly realized we couldn’t do that because we were about to walk down the aisle so we ran for the tissues and got it together. 

The bottom line is that you need to decide for yourself what you want out of your wedding day. Allow a healthy amount of stress in order to make it happen, but not too much. Even if you have a low budget wedding in a small venue with less than 100 people, its still a big traditional production being put on in front of all of your guests that you want to look good, run smoothly and be enjoyable for everyone that attends. Any stress caused by that is totally understandable.

Your wedding should look and feel the way you want it to, but that shouldn’t distract from the purpose of the celebration, this rare occasion of having everyone you know and love come together at the same time and place to eat drink and celebrate life with you. That, more than anything (aside from saying yes to forever with the love of my life) was my favorite part of the wedding. It made me wish for a lifestyle that has of more of that. Why we allow ourselves to go long periods of time without seeing friends and family is a sad mystery to me.

All of that said, I wish you the best.