I don’t have my life figured out. Most days I’m just trying to be a decent wife, mom, friend, daughter, sister, employee, and human being while keeping up with housework and remembering where I left my keys. Over the last few years I’ve stumbled across a handful of ideas that have genuinely helped me get through some really stressful times. Some came from therapists, books, podcasts, and personal conversations. Others came from making mistakes and getting tired of repeating them. None of these concepts are revolutionary. Most are ancient ideas that have been repackaged countless times already. But they have become useful tools for me, and I find myself returning to them often. Here they are.

Use the Mind to Beat the Mind
One of the strangest and most helpful realizations I’ve had recently is that I am not my thoughts. One of my favorite comedians Pete Holmes once joked about eating more food than he expected and then saying, “I was hungrier than I thought I was.” It’s a funny statement because it raises an interesting question: Who’s talking to who? The body was hungry and the mind made an estimate of that hunger, and then discovered it was wrong. My therapist has explained something similar to me in that humans have multiple layers of awareness. We have thoughts, feelings, impulses, emotions, and reactions. But we also have the ability to observe those things in real time as they happen to us, like an audience member watching a movie. If you’ve ever noticed yourself feeling anxious, that’s interesting because something is doing the noticing. If you’ve ever thought, “Wow, I’m really angry right now,” something is standing outside of the anger long enough to recognize it. What is that observer? We could call it consciousness, your soul, your spirit, or simply awareness, but whatever it is, it doesn’t seem to be identical to every thought that passes through your head. That realization has helped me tremendously. When my brain says something dramatic, catastrophic, or unhelpful, I can step back and think, “Interesting. That’s a thought.” Not a prophecy or reality, just a thought. Of course this doesn’t mean that mental health struggles aren’t real or that people shouldn’t seek help if they need it. Therapy, meditation, exercise, sleep, nutrition, hydration and medication all have their place. Sometimes our brains need extra support. But even then, it’s helpful to remember that you are more than the running commentary inside your head.

Protest Your Brain (especially if it’s bullying you) 
Along those same lines, I’ve learned that sometimes you can simply disagree with your brain. I take medication that helps with anxiety, obsessive tendencies, and some of the mental noise that can make everyday life harder than it needs to be because I’m not naturally on the same level as people who have a level headedness, healthy serotonin levels, and are able to just be happy, calm and collected. It is frustrating that I can’t just have that on my own. The best way I can describe it is like being the only sober introvert in a room full of inebriated extroverts. Still, medication hasn’t eliminated the need to practice coping skills. My brain still occasionally tells me ridiculous things. It tells me I can’t relax until every chore is done and every errand has been run. It tells me I should feel guilty for sitting down. It guilt trips me anytime I start to relax and do anything enjoyable. I’m learning that I don’t always have to listen, though. I can do whatever I want. I can look at a pile of laundry, acknowledge that it exists, and go play with my son. I can leave the dirty dishes in the sink for a while. I can decide that my mental state matters more than crossing another item off a checklist. The brain is an incredible tool, but it can also be relentless. Sometimes the healthiest response is to protest.

Stoic, Stealthy, and Unbothered
The older I get, the less interested I am in performing my life for other people. I don’t ever intend to become secretive or withdrawn, but I am actively trying to feel less obligated to narrate every thought, opinion, frustration, or personal detail. Privacy has become surprisingly peaceful. I’ve also become less convinced that every situation requires a reaction. Not every criticism needs a defense and not every awkward silence needs to be filled with noise. The opinions of others don’t always need to be considered. For a long time I felt pressure to over explain myself, and manage other people’s perceptions of me. Lately, I’ve been practicing something different, just existing. Being who I am and allowing people to misunderstand me occasionally. Allowing myself to take up space without permission. There’s a steadiness in this that is just so nice.

You Can’t Be Expected To Care About Everything
There are endless things to worry about. Global, political, economic and social problems to name a few. Most of us carry far more concern than influence and we need to remember that. We shouldn’t become apathetic, but we should recognize the difference between concern and responsibility. You can’t be expected to solve every problem, especially those that you didn’t cause. You can’t be expected to emotionally absorb every tragedy or control outcomes that aren’t yours to control. Sometimes the healthiest thing you can say is “that’s unfortunate, but it’s not mine.” 

If You Can’t Get Out of It, Get Into It
Resistance is exhausting. The funny thing about situations we can’t change is that they’re going to happen whether we like them or not. Traffic doesn’t move faster because we’re angry. Waiting times don’t shorten because we’re irritated. Difficult situations don’t resolve on their own because we’re resentful. I’ve been practicing acceptance lately. I rent a house that I would never buy in its current condition, and the landlord couldn’t care less about the property. Maintenance requests often feel like temporary bandages instead of lasting solutions. I hope to buy a home someday but until then this is where my family lives. So rather than spending all my energy being frustrated, I’ve chosen to improve what I can. I’ve spent some money making the house cleaner, safer, healthier, and a more enjoyable place for us to stay for now. It’s not my dream house, but it is my home for now. The same principle applies almost everywhere. Whatever it is, just try saying yes to it. Yes, thank you, even. When there is no escape or avoidance, acceptance is usually way more productive than resistance.

Do It Tired (Sometimes)
I’ve also learned that “I don’t feel like it” and “I genuinely need rest” are not the same thing. If I’m truly exhausted, I rest. If I’m simply unmotivated, I try to move anyway.
Almost every workout I’ve talked myself into doing has ended with me feeling better than when I started. The same is true for not putting off doctor’s appointments, errands, projects, paperwork, difficult conversations, and countless other tasks I’ve procrastinated. Sometimes action creates energy. Sometimes your motivation shows up AFTER you begin.

Pick Your Hard
This idea is everywhere now, but it’s popular for a reason. Working out is hard. Being unhealthy is also hard. Saving money is hard. Financial stress is hard. Having difficult conversations is hard. Living with unresolved resentment is hard. There is no version of life where everything is easy. The choice is often between different kinds of difficulty. When I remember that, decision making becomes much simpler.

Have Hindsight Now
Many regrets are surprisingly predictable. We know we should schedule the appointment. We know we should save the money. We know we should address the conflict. We know we should prepare ahead of time. Yet we often wait until the consequences arrive before taking action. I’ve started asking myself a simple question: “What will Future Me wish Present Me had done?” The answer is usually obvious. The challenge is acting on it before hindsight even exists. 

Uncomfortable Is Okay
Most of us have become incredibly skilled at avoiding discomfort. We’re rarely too hot, too cold, too bored, too hungry, too inconvenienced, or too challenged for very long. Comfort is great, but endless comfort is not making us stronger or more resilient. It’s making us weak. Lately I’ve been trying to practice being uncomfortable on purpose. Pushing harder in the gym, having conversations I’d rather avoid, cooking at home when takeout sounds easier, sitting with minor inconveniences instead of escaping them as soon as possible. Just a reminder that discomfort isn’t always a sign that something is wrong. 

The Let Them Theory 
Mel Robbins popularized the phrase, but the principle itself is timeless. You cannot control other people. You cannot make someone quit drinking. You cannot force someone to exercise. You cannot convince someone to be more responsible financially or otherwise. You cannot make someone attend every party you invite them to, return every text, share your priorities, or become the version of themselves you wish they were, and trying to is exhausting. The older I get, the more I realize how much energy is wasted attempting to manage other adults. People are going to make their own choices. Some of those choices will be wise and some won’t. You can communicate honestly and establish boundaries. You can lead by example, but eventually you have to let people be who they are.

I don’t practice this stuff perfectly. Some days it all goes out the window, but being as mindful as I can has given me something I desperately needed: a little more peace. Not happiness all the time. Not constant positivity, just peace. A steadier way of moving through life with less resistance and drama. More acceptance and responsibility for what is actually mine to carry, and more willingness to let go of what isn’t.